I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I hate Christmas.  Still no job, not suprising since nothing about me sticks out but my gut.  I’ve done ok with keeping up with jogging, but the weather is making it difficult and the fact that I usually can’t drag myself out of bed before 2pm isn’t helping.  It seems I’m slowing down, I’m not even getting hungry until 5pm anymore.  I keep hoping that I’ll stop completely but it has yet to happen.

I’m tired of fighting with the unemployment office.  They keep trying to screw me out of money and I’m starting to get to the point where I just may let them since going down there and waiting two hours in line just isn’t worth it.  The only reason I keep doing it is that I have nothing else to do so I might as well.

If I don’t find a job in the next 5 months I will be completely out of cash.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  My pride won’t allow me to sell my condo and move back in with my parents.  At that time I may have to do the ‘honorable’ thing and just end it.  I really don’t want to do that since that would disappoint my parents and I don’t want them to feel like they failed me.

These days it’s dark.  I don’t see any light at the end of this tunnel.  The good thing with being alone is that I’m not dragging anyone down with me.  I would hate to have my girl trying to support me through this, my pride definitely wouldn’t allow that.

Why am I so tired of everything?  I guess I have an old soul.  I think I may believe that reincarnation is possible and that I have done so so many times that deep down I’m just exhausted.  Either that or I have a genetic defect that resists the uptake of dopamine into my brain so I don’t really feel happy or energetic.  Perhaps my metabolism is screwed up.  Who knows.

It’s been awhile since I posted.  There’s been some big changes in my life and I’m still trying to recover.  Have you ever been at your lowest, sitting on the very bottom of the pit of despair and self loathing where things are as bad as they get and suddenly the floor opens up and you fall even deeper to a hereto unknown new level of utter hopelessness?  That’s about where I am now and that’s why I haven’t posted in a while.  A few months back I lost my job.  Yup… so not only am I socially miserable, I get to be financially miserable as well.

It’s actually not as bad as that, when I had work, I saved up money.  Not for anything in particular, I just don’t like to spend money on anything.  Thank goodness for that else I’d be in a bit of a pickle.  I have enough saved to get me through this rough patch, but… well, I’m tired.

I’m so damn tired of picking myself up out of the mud.  A man can only be beat down so much that he just doesn’t have the energy to keep going.  I just don’t want to do it anymore to be honest.  It’s just too hard and what’s the point.  I’m not happy, I can’t remember the last time I woke up happy so why do I push myself to keep going?  Where is this thread of hope come from that makes me think that one day it’ll all be better for me?

I spent some of my money going to England.  Alone.  That was a tragedy and a total fiasco.  I won’t say I didn’t have some fun, but there was a moment where I actually cried.  It’s been years since I’ve done that, I didn’t think I still had it in me.  I think the tears were more out of sheer exhaustion and frustration over why nothing I do can ever go my way without a heroic effort on my part.  Not once does luck favor me for anything.

So now I spend most of my days sitting in the living room of my condo staring at a computer screen hoping each day that it’ll be my last, but I could never be so lucky.

On a side note, I have gotten back into jogging.  I still hate it though and usually it gives me far more time to think about the state of my life currently.  I haven’t spoken to the girl who I’ve mentioned before in quite some time, so dark things are now that the flames of my feelings for her are now just embers.  I can’t even imagine myself in a relationship right now since a good chunk of my fantasy time is spent dreaming about some place dark and warm to curl up where the outside world and all the wretched lives in it don’t exist.

I used to always wonder what heaven or hell would be like, these days I would give everything for oblivion.  Even the idea of life eternal is tiresome to me.

Ding, I have attained 28 years of exsistance.  All in all it was a fun party.  I was brought a very expensive bottle of 12 year old scottch and got to spend time with most of my closest friends.  One of the people I wanted most wasn’t there, but she has told me that we would hang out sooner or later.  I’m hoping that one way or another, I’ll get to see her this weekend.  We’ll see.

I wonder if I should be worried that everytime I see a romantic movie or a romantic comedy, I get angry and depressed.  Mostly angry at how stupid the whole ‘love’ thing is.  All the girls in my life all tell me the same thing, ‘don’t worry, you’ll find the one’ ‘love is a wonderful thing and it’ll happen.’  Why can’t women realize that love is a luxury that only women and a very lucky few men can afford.  Women can have their pick of men, they can choose to be with the one they really love, whether or not the love is returned.  For unattractive men like myself, we are forced to take what we can get, like ravenous ghouls fighting over scraps of the dead.  It’s not fair, but what can we do?  It does amuse me when the ladies in my life start speaking of it as if it just up and happens to everyone.  I know I have only lived 1/3 of my life, but I just can’t see myself feeling it.  The one spark that could have ignited that fire within barely notices me, and only as a friend.  I am thankful for her friendship, but sometimes it’s painful to be so close, to want to just take her in my arms and hold her, but knowing that would be frowned upon.  Oh well, life drags on.

I’ll get to the New Year’s update sooner or later, but right now I wanted to get this idea down and on the interweb.  I have thought up a name for a genre of movies that has started popping up with more and more frequency in the last couple years.  I call them ‘dartboard dramadies.’  These are drama-comedies in which the characters and plot events seem to be decided via dartboard.  I’m not saying that these movies are bad, in fact I have enjoyed watching most of them, I’m just wondering at the trend.  Perhaps people wish to see realistic movies with random characters who have to solve mostly everyday and random problems in their lives.  The following list (which shall be updated as I think of more or see more in the theaters) are examples:

1) Little Miss Sunshine

2) Nepoleon Dynomite

3) Darjeeling Limited

4) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

5) The Royal Tenenbaums

6) Dan in Real Life (I will have to rewatch this again, but I think this movie fits my definition)

7) Superbad (this pushes the definition below abit, but I think it still fits)

Juno (see Superbad)

To be considered a dartboard dramady, a movie has to have several characteristics.  First, it has to have a relatively large cast with no real main star.  Sure, you may pick one character as the title character in which we follow in their nearly ordinary life but that does not  mean you have to stick with them in every shot and storyline. Each character has to have some strange quirk or fetish or personality trait that strays abit from the norm and has to have almost nothing to do with moving the story forward.  You have to have many stories that intertwine, each character must have a rich and detailed background which you may explore in the course of the movie, but not always.  There is almost never a main goal for the movie and the denouement will be subtle and nearly unremarkable (this is not nearly as important as the characters).  Usually in these movies there are events which are usually unrelated and often random and not always tied up by the end of the movie.  Often these movies leave you feeling like you wasted your time but still enjoyed it nonetheless.  If you are a person who has to have substance to your films, an obvious beginning, middle, rising action, and resolution, you will more than likely hate these types of movies.  If you are like me and enjoy movies more for the colorful characters, odd almost random plots, and acting you may still take something from this style.  Of most of the films you will see, these often feel the most real, even though strange things and characters abound.  I cannot see all movies, so if anyone reads this and has some to add, please don’t hesitate to post.

I’m pretty drunk right now, so I should probably add this under the emo catagory.  I spent it alone, as usual.  I was invited to a party, but I was relatively intoxicated at the time and I didn’t want to risk having my license taken away from me.  I should make a new year’s resolution but I really don’t want to at the moment.  In all honesty, I would really like to die now.  At least my roommate is with his girlfriend right now.  I’m glad that at least someone is happy in this condo.  He and I did play alot of ping-pong on my new set that I got for christmas.

Why does my life suck so much?  Am I so disgusting that no one could love me?  If the room would stop spinning for a second, I could answer that maybe.  I’m really glad I don’t own a gun.  Fuck you, alcohol and your depressing effects on my system.  I don’t need your help to feel awful about myself.  Just because I’m sitting here on the computer all alone doesn’t make me a total loser.  Perhaps it does.  Perhaps I do deserve nothing more than to eat a bullet.

I kicked ass in ping-pong at least.

Another holiday in the books.  I survived it, a little worse for wear.  I had hoped that the woman of my dreams and I might spend New Year’s together now that she’s moved back in with her folks.  No such luck.  She will be joining her boyfriend in Cleveland or someplace stupid like that (no offense Cleveland).  And to throw salt in the wounds at the news, while we were hanging out, she signed me up for a dating website.  It was hilarious, it’s almost like she knows I’m in love with her and likes to just add a punch to the scrot.

On the up and up, I bought a plant the other day.  It’s some kind of palm I think.  I’ve named it Mila, but you may call her Ms. Jovovich.  Not sure I should be taking care of a living thing, and I almost pity it.  But I guess a slow agonizing death with me isn’t much different than a slow agonizing death at Home Depot.  At least I talk to it, rather than put it in an ignored corner hoping that it would die quietly.  It was even marked down to $6.88, the poor thing.  Did I buy it out of pity?  Loneliness perhaps?  Nah, I just wanted fresh oxygen in my room, and if it could bring a touch of fragrance, that wouldn’t be too bad either.

I’m not sure what I am going to do for the new year.  I do want to get back into running.  I have let it lapse what with the holidays and the new condo and all.  I still have much to do on it, but it’s coming along.  Hopefully when I get off work tomorrow I can start putting my desk together that I just purchased.

Soon, very soon, I can reset my life, a fresh new start.  New condo, new furniture, the one I love out of the picture (in Latin America) so that I can finally move past her and be free to have feelings for someone else.  The idea of spending time to get to know someone is kinda scary and it takes a lot out of me.  All social situations take their toll.  It’s a hard mask to wear.  People don’t like to accept those who are hollow.  I’m not sure I blame them.  If someone came to me with their sob story about how no one loves them, I would probably roll my eyes and try to ignore them.  Sad isn’t it?  The people I understand most, who are most like me, I cannot sympathize with since I cannot feel sympathy.  I chuckle at the irony.  But thems the brakes.

And just when the darkness was closing over me… NEW SOCKBABY! http://www.sockbaby.com/

Starring Doug Jones.

I’m glad those guys are starting to make it big.  Well, not big, but more popular.  Who knows, this might become a trend of actors starring in small potato internet movies.  Dr. Horrible was one, but I’m not sure it counts since Joss Whedon isn’t exactly small potatoes.

As usual, the universe continues to pummel me for no apparent reason.  Taking a step back to look at it from the outside, it’s actually very funny in a dark kind of way.  If you had read previous posts, I am in love with a woman whom I have known and been friends with for several years.  I was waiting for her to graduate college so that I could tell her how I feel about her.  Why wait so long, you may ask?  Mostly because I want to be the one she settles down with.  I found out at her graduation that she currently has a boyfriend.  That was no big deal for me because she is also about to move out of Charleston and back to Rock Hill.  The distance would surely put an end to their relationship, since that’s just the way she is.  So I spoke to her yesterday evening to see how she was doing and what her plans were for the future, etcetera, , etcetera, feeling out her feelings for her current boy-toy when everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I had been building towards, came crashing down around my ears.

I have surrounded myself with material goods, living a life that many at work are envious of (big screen tv, surround sound speakers, hardwood floors, a beautiful exec desk in my room) but none of it really mattered to me.  She is the one I want more than anything.  I would toss it all away in a heartbeat to hold her in my arms.  But it’s not going to happen now.  She’s getting a job as a nurse in Central America.  The internship will last two and a half years.  In two and a half years, I’ll be well on the way to 31.  Can I wait that long for her?  I know that I wouldn’t be alone as a 30+ unmarried man, but I have never even had a long term relationship.  I don’t even know if she feels anything for me.  I would be king of the fools to place such a bet.

I am unsure of what to do.  A part of me is glad she is leaving.  As if I were emotionally tied down by this woman, who doesn’t even know it.  With her gone, I’ll be able to love other people without any thoughts of her coming to me and professing her feelings for me.

Another question I wrestle with is should I even tell her how I feel?  Is that any way to say goodbye?  ‘Have fun on your trip for 2.5 years, oh by the way, I love you more than I could ever love anyone else.  Well, see ya!’

Why do I deserve this suffering (yes, I know it’s minor, but give yourself a paper cut three times a day in different spots and see how maddening it becomes)?  I’m not a bad person.  I use my blinkers, I hold doors for people, I say please and thank you…  It’s almost…

Sometimes I feel like I should do something bad so I feel like I deserve the pain.  Sometimes I feel the darkness creeping into my heart and gripping my soul.  So far I’m still winning the fight, but I’m so very tired.  I don’t want to be a villain.

So I went to my friend’s graduation and party.  It was a lovely ceremony, short and sweet.  She looked absolutely beautiful.  I had intended on telling her how I feel about her, but I decided that her boyfriend might take exception to it.  Yeah, story of my life; I finally get the nerve to tell the woman I love how I feel and she’s found another.  She doesn’t seem that into him, probably because she knows that she’s moving out of Charleston soon and will be heading who knows where.  She has so many options ahead of her, I feel like perhaps I should keep my feelings to myself lest I weigh her down with them.

I read a wonderful comic by the title of XKCD.  His comics are nerdy and funny, and sometimes even go over my head (my math background is abit hazy).  One of his recent ones reminds me very much of how I feel towards the aforementioned woman that I love. http://www.xkcd.com/513/  I hope you enjoy it.

Got to hang out with two of my former roommates.  We had a blast getting drunk and watching stupid movies til the wee hours in the morning.  I kinda missed it.  I think we’ll be doing it again sometime around Christmas.  It’s nice to feel happy again, if even only for a night and alcohol induced.

It’s been awhile since I last posted due to a upturn in my happiness.  I have purchased a condo here in Columbia and have begun the ardious process of moving in.  Just installed hardwood floors in my bedroom and I bought a 50″ plasma HDTV.  And yet, I’m still not where I want to be.  At least, not exactly.  I am still alone, but that’s nothing unexpected, I have still yet to tell the one woman I actually have feelings for that I do.  Her graduation is next weekend and I think that may be the time.  We’ll see.

There is still much work to be done on this old condo, but nothing a little elbow grease and some TLC can’t fix.  And a shitload of cash.  It’ll get there, though I don’t know why.  It’s not like I’m doing it for anyone but myself and I find that sometimes I just don’t care that much.  I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe if I build it, they will come.  Sometimes I wonder what’ll happen when my friends all get lives and my parents pass. 

Speaking of which, in my last post I mentioned that my friend and his girl would be moving in with me and that we’d leave the messy one behind.  Yeah, that didn’t happen.  The dude and his girl bailed on me so here I am stuck with the trashy one.  He seems to be trying though, so that’s good.  If push comes to shove, I can always toss him out on his ear.  He has a girlfriend now so maybe she’ll keep him cleaner.

I am slightly disturbed in my usual daytime fantasies of being happy (in a lovers arms, relaxing in a meadow, etc) have been increasingly replaced with a fantasy of shooting myself in the head or cutting myself.  Ugh, I really hope I don’t become one of those people who cut themselves to make sure they still feel.  You’d think they’d be happy that they can’t.  What I wouldn’t give to rid myself of my own physical and mental pain, if even for just a day.

A new comically depressing development:  Apparently, I am slightly allergic to my down comforter.  I guess it’s the feathers, or perhaps since it is kinda old, something growing on the feathers that is making my athema act up a bit at night making sleeping difficult.  Perhaps I’ll stop breathing during the night and finally pass.  There’s too much to hope for there.