Almost Comical

As usual, the universe continues to pummel me for no apparent reason.  Taking a step back to look at it from the outside, it’s actually very funny in a dark kind of way.  If you had read previous posts, I am in love with a woman whom I have known and been friends with for several years.  I was waiting for her to graduate college so that I could tell her how I feel about her.  Why wait so long, you may ask?  Mostly because I want to be the one she settles down with.  I found out at her graduation that she currently has a boyfriend.  That was no big deal for me because she is also about to move out of Charleston and back to Rock Hill.  The distance would surely put an end to their relationship, since that’s just the way she is.  So I spoke to her yesterday evening to see how she was doing and what her plans were for the future, etcetera, , etcetera, feeling out her feelings for her current boy-toy when everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I had been building towards, came crashing down around my ears.

I have surrounded myself with material goods, living a life that many at work are envious of (big screen tv, surround sound speakers, hardwood floors, a beautiful exec desk in my room) but none of it really mattered to me.  She is the one I want more than anything.  I would toss it all away in a heartbeat to hold her in my arms.  But it’s not going to happen now.  She’s getting a job as a nurse in Central America.  The internship will last two and a half years.  In two and a half years, I’ll be well on the way to 31.  Can I wait that long for her?  I know that I wouldn’t be alone as a 30+ unmarried man, but I have never even had a long term relationship.  I don’t even know if she feels anything for me.  I would be king of the fools to place such a bet.

I am unsure of what to do.  A part of me is glad she is leaving.  As if I were emotionally tied down by this woman, who doesn’t even know it.  With her gone, I’ll be able to love other people without any thoughts of her coming to me and professing her feelings for me.

Another question I wrestle with is should I even tell her how I feel?  Is that any way to say goodbye?  ‘Have fun on your trip for 2.5 years, oh by the way, I love you more than I could ever love anyone else.  Well, see ya!’

Why do I deserve this suffering (yes, I know it’s minor, but give yourself a paper cut three times a day in different spots and see how maddening it becomes)?  I’m not a bad person.  I use my blinkers, I hold doors for people, I say please and thank you…  It’s almost…

Sometimes I feel like I should do something bad so I feel like I deserve the pain.  Sometimes I feel the darkness creeping into my heart and gripping my soul.  So far I’m still winning the fight, but I’m so very tired.  I don’t want to be a villain.